Masculinity is on trial in our culture. Some men have abused their positions of power to harm, hold back, harass and hurt those around them. Women are rightfully calling these men out to and standing up for fair treatment and mutual respect. I am thrilled that this reckoning has happened. Our culture has had deep flaws for a long time. A male dominated society combining with the sexual revolution has produced in American life something no one wanted or foresaw, although perhaps we should have.
Hollywood has pushed the ubiquitous objectification of women and now is surprised when they are treated as objects to be consumed. It’s so wrong. It’s wrong to treat anyone this way and the men who do it should be brought to justice. In our conservative Christian life, we have allowed too many predators to use our good will and perhaps naivety inour churches to molest, rape, and destroy. It has to stop. I doubt God will tolerate these wrongs from any of us, particularly in the church, forever. But the winds of change have come and we have to decide how we will respond to them. Will we be defensive? Will we be the critic? Or will we take the lessons for what they are and try to make a better world?
In my upbringing, in conservative Kansas, I was extremely fortunate to be surrounded by strong intelligent women. My mother graduated from law school near the top of her class. She went on to have a prestigious judicial clerkship. Although, she would never brag about it, she has translated Kierkegaard from German to English. She has traveled the world. She has stood and marched, sometimes by herself, on the Capitol steps toadvocate for and protect the most vulnerable in our society. She conducts herself with quiet dignity, grace, humility and intelligence.
My Grandmother on my Dad’s side was also a formidable woman, although, growing up relatively poor and without much formal education she was quite different from my mom. She embodied strength. She was opinionated, passionate and fiercely protective of her family. She loved all of us, and her laughter and smile brought all of us joy. I would pity anyone who went cross ways with her. She was clearly the matriarch of the Patton clan.
So, growing up, I was taught both intuitively and explicitly to respect women. I was always taught they were my equals and we celebrated the differences.
From a Christian perspective, I was taught that they equally “bare the image of God” which means they equally contained the gift of divine dignity and worth. These lessons I hope to teach to my sons and daughters. I also hope I have brought them into my marriage with my wife. (Who by the way, embodies the best qualities of both my Grandmother and my mom. It is no wonder that I fell in love with a fierce and strong woman in Elizabeth. Liz would take on the world in an instant. She her tenacity and persistence embodies inherent strength and I do not envy her opponents in the political world.)
I also had some fantastic examples of masculinity. I was clearly taught that what it means to be a man is to take care of those in your charge. Be strong enough for whatever obstacles you meet, but be gentle and kind to everyone, especially those who might be weaker than you. My Dad is a plaintiff’s lawyer. His mission in life is to protect people who can’t protect themselves. He has taught us that’s what Christians are supposed to do. His favorite story is of St. George, the knight who famously slayed the dragon which was tormenting the village and demanding human sacrifices. We proudly display a painting of St. George in our law firm to remind us what our purpose is, we slay dragons where ever we might find them. It is no wonder his political career was characterized by protecting life and the disabled.
Both my Grandpas were strong examples of how to be men. To me they both embodied “the way of love” in 1 Corinthians 13: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
With these examples and lessons, I find myself in a world that appears to be changing quickly.
A world where women are standing up against evil when men have not. These changes are not scary to me. I am not one of those conservatives who fears for boys who might get caught up in allegations. Although I will encourage you, my sons, to be wise in your conduct. I believe if you’re wise and careful the truth in these situations will bare itself out.
The qualities of “masculinity” that are being decried in our culture right now I don’t recognize as the qualities of true men. Or maybe they aren’t the qualities of a good man.
A good man doesn’t use his position or power to hurt, use, and manipulate. A good man doesn’t objectify and commodify those around him. A good man would never use up and throw away people for his own enjoyment. These are qualities of selfish, self-serving debased “men”. These are cowards and weaklings. This kind of masculinity is rightly called “toxic.”
So what is good masculinity or a good man? My first thought is that Rudyard Kipling’s classic poem “If” has a lot to teach us about being a man:
“If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!”
However good this poem is though, and it is good, it fails in the key element to positive masculinity. These virtues cannot be used is a self serving way. If you fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run for your own benefit than you have missed the mark.
To me it is a man that is strong that actively, creatively and powerfully engaging with the world not for his own benefit, but for those around him. Using his power and strength to protect, create and to provide for his family and those who are not as fortunate as him. A good man is humble about who he is, but also capable. A good man is gentle when necessary. A good man pushes back on the chaos he sees around him. A good man slays dragons. A good man embodies love in that he lays his life down for others repeatedly, daily and without complaint.
Let’s teach our sons to live above reproach. Let’s teach them what’s good about their masculinity. Encourage them to be brave. Let’s teach them how their nature can be harnessed to serve others, to help those in need. Let’s teach them to be “To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.” (From The Optimists Creed).
I believe that the source of this strength comes from relying on God. I will teach them humility. I will teach them that objectifying women cheapens both persons and lessens the inherent dignity which comes from their Creator. I will teach them to treat everyone you meet, especially women, with respect and kindness.
Masculinity is on trial in our culture, but it is a false masculinity. And it is rightly condemned.
If men had been acting like real men, then the new women’s movement would be unnecessary. So, let’s cheer on the change. Let’s condemn the false masculinity to obscurity. Let’s hold fast to our values, informed by God. Let’s call our sons to live better than we have and maybe we can redeem a true masculinity from the false one that had perniciously invaded our culture. Let’s recapture the spirit of masculinity which confirms to the highest ideals of taking up our cross and laying down our lives for others. A masculinity bounded by love and committed to service.