Kids, about 12 years ago I attended a dinner theater in Branson, Missouri, and it was pretty awful. It was a Cowboy-themed variety show and the leading man was named Michael.
According to Michael the Cowboy-themed variety show host, he was formerly a lawyer, but quit his job in order to follow his dreams of singing. In Branson. In a Cowboy themed variety show.
Sometimes you shouldn’t follow your dreams.
Okay maybe that’s a little judgmental and he was just living his best life. I only bring this up because at this Cowboy themed variety show, Michael enthusiastically asked the audience if there were any anniversaries in the house and the elderly couple next to me halfheartedly raised their hands. Michael congratulated them and asked them how long they had been married.
The answer was 62 years.
“AMAZING!!” Michael shouted and then took the que to transition into 7 brides for 7 brother’s “I’m a Lonesome Pole Cat.”
Eventually, I turned to the couple and asked them, “What’s the secret to a long marriage?” And he replied quickly and without irony, “Don’t get divorced.” I laughed. He responded, “No, I’m serious. You may want to quit. Don’t do it. It’s worth it to stay.”
The older man held his wife’s wrinkled hand and enjoyed the rest of the show.
I looked at them and looked back at Liz. I wanted to be able to tell someone proudly that I’ve been married for 62 years. I still have that desire and hope.
This older gentleman’s point was that commitment is a key ingredient for a long and happy marriage. That means you are committed to each other no matter what happens. This is, of course, the vow you make when you get married.
As of the date of writing this I have been married for 15 and a half years. Liz and I were married very young. She was 20 and I was 21. She was 19 when we got engaged. We were babies. I am both grateful and baffled by how gracious everyone was to us at that point in our lives. “Yeah, these two children should be getting married.” I did not know then, what I know now, about how big of a task that commitment is for both of us. But I am so grateful that Liz and I have literally grown into the world together. Our story is rare and wonderful and I am so grateful that I get to live it.
I think you learn a lot about marriage when you get married so young. You also have opportunities to make mistakes. When you’re that young, you don’t know where all your flaws are yet. And you can have unique occasions to wound your spouse very deeply. Wound them with things you say, wound them by things you didn’t do and wound them with things you did do. And overtime, those wounds can build into resentments you never intended. Those resentments can turn into contempt and that will make the weight of commitment too much to bear.
Which is why there is another key to marriage which, when I have been married for 62 years, I will relay to anyone in attendance at a cowboy themed variety show. You have to learn to forgive. Forgiveness is really hard. But it is so powerful. It is powerful to receive from your partner. Knowing that you have been forgiven for more than you deserved gives a feeling of gratitude and security. Giving Forgiveness also has a powerful ability to release you from the pain from contempt and resentment. Especially when you forgive someone you love as deeply as your spouse.
I hope to write more about how to forgive as I learn more, but for now I will say this, forgiveness starts as a choice. It is a choice to give a gift, deserving or not, to the person you are forgiving. It is also a gift to yourself, but through this choice you a freeing yourself of the weight of your own resentment. If you both can love deeply, with commitment and the choice to forgive then I believe you can get through anything.
I think this is why Jesus teaches us to forgive, not out of obligation or duty, but because through forgiveness, Jesus begins His restorative process on the world. Your broken heart can be restored through forgiveness. So can your spouses. So learn to forgive. Kids, I do not wish for you a marriage without mistakes or problems, I wish for you a marriage full of grace and forgiveness.