One of my favorite aphorisms is “Comparison is the Thief of Joy.” (I know my kids will already be rolling their eyes because they’ve heard me say it, hopefully, 1000’s of times). Theodore Roosevelt, a man who lived by his own set of rules, allegedly first uttered the phrase. (Or maybe it was Mark Twain... hard to tell).
When I first heard it, I felt a sense of relief, I didn’t need to keep comparing myself with other people. You will be happier if you do not compare yourself to those around you. No matter how smart you think you are, there is always going to be someone smarter. No matter how fast, thin, strong…someone will be better and someone will be worse. When you compare yourself to someone else or compare what you have with what someone else has, you’re going to cause yourself damage. “Why am I not enough!” “Why can’t I be like them!”
The truth is you are enough. You have all the tools you need to be exactly who you are meant to be. Whether you are looking up or looking down, it’s just bad for your soul.
I have often found myself, almost without thinking, comparing my accomplishments (or lack thereof) with those around me. It always makes me ungrateful for what I do have. A psychology today article referenced a study that said up to 10% of our thoughts during the day are comparisons of ourselves to other people. While I hope that’s not true, it would mean 10% of our thoughts are making us miserable and discontent.
Lewis C.K.’s tv show had a great scene where he is talking to his two daughters. (It occurs to me that when my kids read this 15 or so years from now they are going to have no clue who Lewis C.K. is…Which is actually for the best... Don’t google him kids...) One daughter says to their dad, “Daddy! She has more ice cream than me!” Lewis kneels down to her level and says, “Don’t ever look at you sister's bowl to see if she has more. Only look at her bowl to see if she has enough.” In other words, look to others interest before your own. This is a simple and profound way to dismantle the tendency for jealousy. In short, have empathy. If comparison is the thief of joy, empathy is a companion of joy. (I know, I’m no Teddy Roosevelt, but I’m trying.)
What should you do then with you natural competitive energy? Is competition always bad? Well I am glad you asked! Of course competition is not inherently bad. Competition, in its healthiest form, can test and stretch your abilities in whatever venue, however, the most important person to compete against is yourself. You vs. you. Spy vs. Spy… (wait… that’s not right, unless you’re a spy. Then compete against your past spy self... You get it…) Competition with your past accomplishments and goals is the only competition that really matters. You should ruthlessly compete with your past self. It’s a terrific way to push back entropy in your own life and force for yourself a well lived life.
Jordan Peterson says, “compare yourself to who you were yesterday.” More importantly, Jesus says, “look to the log in your own eye before looking at the speck in your brothers eye.” I’ve also read in a marriage book (ReEngage) “Draw a circle around yourself and fix everyone in that circle.” This is fantastic advice for life. You’re the only person you can control and self control is difficult enough on its own.
You’ll never make yourself happy when you’re comparing yourself to others. It is a thief of your joy. Instead look at who you were yesterday, try to be better than that person. Instead look into your neighbors bowl and make sure they have enough. There is always work to do and this work will bring joy to you and others. This by itself will of course not make you happy. But it’s a pretty good start.