Note: I wrote this years ago and never posted it. I wish I had. Surprisingly, it aged better than expected.
Evangelical Darling Voldemort Skyrocketing in the Polls:
In a shocking move, Evangelical Christians have rallied around supporting Lord Voldemort for President in the 2016 election. The revelation comes after the Dark Lord said he would appoint pro-life Supreme Court Justices. Critics of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named say that this is simply a flip flop (U-Turn or Backflip for our international audiences) on this position, as trying to kill the baby, Harry Potter, is decidedly not pro-Life. “You Know Who” has only recently registered Republican, which makes the support all the more surprising.
The long-time user of the Killing Curse recently met with Jerry Falwell, Jr. to discuss his presidential prospects. Falwell, the President of Liberty University, said he was hesitant at first, but after meeting with “Tom,” he really thinks he has had a genuine change of heart and will no longer attempt to kill little boys and their parents. The two shared an epically awkward hug at the conclusion of the press conference.
The widespread support of the Dark Wizard is particularly puzzling, as many in the conservative Christian community participated in a boycott of the novels that chronicled Voldemort’s misdeeds. One churchgoer who was interviewed about his support of the Evil One said, “You know, God can really use anyone to further his means and maybe that’s why he chose Voldemort. He really is the lesser of two.…” He then trailed off as if under the imperious curse.
Past Pictures of The Dark Lord celebrating with the Clinton family muddy the waters even further, as do his extensive donations to the Democratic Party. But recent polls show that he has a commanding lead over his democratic opponent with Muggle Evangelicals by as much as 78%.
Rita Skeeter’s release of the “Hot Mic” incident, in which the candidate demonstrated his prowess with the killing curse, was thought to stop Lord Voldemort’s campaign in its tracks. but Magically, he garnered even more support in the wake of the video’s release. Some pundits have noted that since He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s campaign was not thwarted even when he was burned upon grasping a Bible at a campaign event, this should just be a minor bump. Especially since he tried to stab the Bible with a basilisk fang after he was burned. Time will tell, but 2016 will be another election for the history books. Assuming we still have books by then.